It feels strange to be almost three-quarters of the way through my freshman year of college, laying down typing this, while in the background the plethora of music I've found since arriving on campus in September plays. I think it was around Novemeber when I first surprised myself by looking through my ITunes library and seeing how many of the bands on it then, I'd not heard of or ever listened to before college started. Now, my taste in music hasn't changed, I still listen to mostly Post-Hardcore and Metal, but a lot of the songs I like most right now are a mix of Post-Hardcore and Electronica. The simple addition of keyboard or synthesizer to the double bass and heavy breakdowns and screaming, has quite an interesting effect on the music as a whole. It just changes the atmosphere. It makes the song...more I don't really know...it sets a certain mood, and I like it. The songs often feel more upbeat, even with the hoarsely screamed and growled vocals, interspersed with high-pitched singing, there is a, I guess you'd call it, "happy" undertone. I really can't explain how that single instrument completely changes the setup of the music, but to me, it does, it allows for more freedom maybe, more musical freedom, instrumental freedom. It leaves the possibility to make the song more...original, more out-there.
As for my taste in music, it hasn't changed like I said, but it has expanded. I'm trying to be more open to different types of music. Now, I will say rap and hip-hop are always going to be on the outer-limits for me, they just don't suit me, it just feels too much like talking for me, but there are a few songs I can stand, some I even like. For example, out of my most-played songs, two of the top twenty-five are hip-hop. My roommate's even gotten me into Techno/electronic, specifically Jumpstyle which I had knowledge of prior to college, but have listened to a much wider variety since then. I've even given Country, my least favorite genre a try. I still can say, it doesn't strike me much, but there's a song every once in awhile I will like. I guess it just takes time and trying everything. I used to be narrow-minded about music, perhaps I still am, but I am at least willing to listen to some things. I am willing to test advice on music that friends give me. It's a trial-and-error process for me. Try it, if I like it, I keep it. If not, I continue trying things 'til I find something I do like.
Now, considering I haven't blogged in almost two months, and haven't blogged steadily for about two years, I'm still getting used to it again. So, maybe I'm rambling a bit, searching for words, but that's good I think. Maybe it's what I need. To struggle. To fight with myself over what sounds right. And then when I can't describe something I say it the best I can. Either way, it's getting out there. By just going on and on, whatever it is that's beating the shit out of my insides is becoming a part of the world wide web. It's becoming a part of this post on this blog on this website and so on. It's no longer beating me up, but becoming a tornado to rip through the internet and any person who reads what I write. So, though I ramble, I think it helps. It's soothing. And, you have an option, you can read it, but you don't have to. It's not like when someone is talking right next to you and you have to pretend to care. Or have to answer them, or even actually have to listen because they'll know if you're not. I'll never know if anyone actually reads this, and you don't have to. It'd be cool to know people read what I say, but frankly in the end, it's not gonna change any lives, not gonna change the world.
To talk about the this year of school, the first foray into the realm of college, it's been tough at times, beneficial at others, but it's all life experience. I struggled to keep my grades up first semester and found myself falling into the same pattern I followed throughout high school. I'd miss homework assignments, not study for quizzes and tests, and basically my grades reflected that at midterms first semester. After that, I stepped my work up a level, able to increase all of my grades by at least some percentage to finish the first semester with a fair enough GPA. No I won't give you the number, but it was one I'm used to seeing, and I can say that I'm not disappointed by. Certainly, it could have been higher, but again, I wasn't disappointed. I received what I earned, what I proved myself worthy of. Had I worked as hard as I did the second half of semester, the entire time, I'd have had a higher GPA, but like I said, it wasn't a disappointment, I'm fine with where I was after first semester.
Gradewise this second semester, I'm doing much better. I've gotten the workload under control, the whole "teachers don't care if you do homework or not, yes they do want you to succeed, but they're not gonna hunt you down or babysit you, you're on your own to do the work or not" thing understood.
Outside of grades, college has had it's ups and downs... to be cliche, it's been a rollercoaster. There are days when I'm perfectly happy and get along with anyone, and then there are days, mostly nights when I feel on the brink of blowing up. I usually "run" away on these nights. I'm antagonistic, easily agitated, and if allowed, I'd probably punch something- glass, a wall, a heavybag, but nothing presents itself. I deal with it though. I've had bouts of anger throughout my life, but I fight through them. And I have a girl who's always there by my side- when I'm a bastard to talk to, to get along with, and when I'm happiest, usually it's her making me happy.
As for friends, I've maintained most of them. I've made new ones. I've lost a few, but those were choices on both sides. I'd certainly try working to fix them, but it's only if both parties wish to cooperate that anything can be achieved. I still talk to my high school friends as much as I can, and I talk to my friends from home too. I see my college friends nearly every day and that's what makes college fun I guess- having people there every day, and being able to talk to someone, though they may be hundreds, thousands of miles away, and be able to say you love them and know they love you too. That's what relationships are worth- love, caring for someone, wanting to be with that person for the rest of your life. And friends may fall by the wayside, but if they're your true friend, they'll know you'll always be there for them. You can't always see them or always talk to them, but you'll try when opportunities arise. College is a tough transition but in the end, it'll be worth it right? All the debt and loans? Yeah, I think so. It's an education, the next step towards a career, and marriage, a family, and then eventually dying. But no need to dwell on the ending, it should be a long way off. Sometimes it comes sooner than we think, but we gotta think every day is a new one, and every day won't be the last one. Sure, we can live like every day is our last, it makes the best out of life, but we should pray that it won't ever be our last.
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