give it up, give it up, it's over, I'm broken down 'cause we're miles from sea to sea

It feels strange to be almost three-quarters of the way through my freshman year of college, laying down typing this, while in the background the plethora of music I've found since arriving on campus in September plays. I think it was around Novemeber when I first surprised myself by looking through my ITunes library and seeing how many of the bands on it then, I'd not heard of or ever listened to before college started. Now, my taste in music hasn't changed, I still listen to mostly Post-Hardcore and Metal, but a lot of the songs I like most right now are a mix of Post-Hardcore and Electronica. The simple addition of keyboard or synthesizer to the double bass and heavy breakdowns and screaming, has quite an interesting effect on the music as a whole. It just changes the atmosphere. It makes the song...more I don't really know...it sets a certain mood, and I like it. The songs often feel more upbeat, even with the hoarsely screamed and growled vocals, interspersed with high-pitched singing, there is a, I guess you'd call it, "happy" undertone. I really can't explain how that single instrument completely changes the setup of the music, but to me, it does, it allows for more freedom maybe, more musical freedom, instrumental freedom. It leaves the possibility to make the song more...original, more out-there.
As for my taste in music, it hasn't changed like I said, but it has expanded. I'm trying to be more open to different types of music. Now, I will say rap and hip-hop are always going to be on the outer-limits for me, they just don't suit me, it just feels too much like talking for me, but there are a few songs I can stand, some I even like. For example, out of my most-played songs, two of the top twenty-five are hip-hop. My roommate's even gotten me into Techno/electronic, specifically Jumpstyle which I had knowledge of prior to college, but have listened to a much wider variety since then. I've even given Country, my least favorite genre a try. I still can say, it doesn't strike me much, but there's a song every once in awhile I will like. I guess it just takes time and trying everything. I used to be narrow-minded about music, perhaps I still am, but I am at least willing to listen to some things. I am willing to test advice on music that friends give me. It's a trial-and-error process for me. Try it, if I like it, I keep it. If not, I continue trying things 'til I find something I do like.

Now, considering I haven't blogged in almost two months, and haven't blogged steadily for about two years, I'm still getting used to it again. So, maybe I'm rambling a bit, searching for words, but that's good I think. Maybe it's what I need. To struggle. To fight with myself over what sounds right. And then when I can't describe something I say it the best I can. Either way, it's getting out there. By just going on and on, whatever it is that's beating the shit out of my insides is becoming a part of the world wide web. It's becoming a part of this post on this blog on this website and so on. It's no longer beating me up, but becoming a tornado to rip through the internet and any person who reads what I write. So, though I ramble, I think it helps. It's soothing. And, you have an option, you can read it, but you don't have to. It's not like when someone is talking right next to you and you have to pretend to care. Or have to answer them, or even actually have to listen because they'll know if you're not. I'll never know if anyone actually reads this, and you don't have to. It'd be cool to know people read what I say, but frankly in the end, it's not gonna change any lives, not gonna change the world.

To talk about the this year of school, the first foray into the realm of college, it's been tough at times, beneficial at others, but it's all life experience. I struggled to keep my grades up first semester and found myself falling into the same pattern I followed throughout high school. I'd miss homework assignments, not study for quizzes and tests, and basically my grades reflected that at midterms first semester. After that, I stepped my work up a level, able to increase all of my grades by at least some percentage to finish the first semester with a fair enough GPA. No I won't give you the number, but it was one I'm used to seeing, and I can say that I'm not disappointed by. Certainly, it could have been higher, but again, I wasn't disappointed. I received what I earned, what I proved myself worthy of. Had I worked as hard as I did the second half of semester, the entire time, I'd have had a higher GPA, but like I said, it wasn't a disappointment, I'm fine with where I was after first semester.
Gradewise this second semester, I'm doing much better. I've gotten the workload under control, the whole "teachers don't care if you do homework or not, yes they do want you to succeed, but they're not gonna hunt you down or babysit you, you're on your own to do the work or not" thing understood.

Outside of grades, college has had it's ups and downs... to be cliche, it's been a rollercoaster. There are days when I'm perfectly happy and get along with anyone, and then there are days, mostly nights when I feel on the brink of blowing up. I usually "run" away on these nights. I'm antagonistic, easily agitated, and if allowed, I'd probably punch something- glass, a wall, a heavybag, but nothing presents itself. I deal with it though. I've had bouts of anger throughout my life, but I fight through them. And I have a girl who's always there by my side- when I'm a bastard to talk to, to get along with, and when I'm happiest, usually it's her making me happy.

As for friends, I've maintained most of them. I've made new ones. I've lost a few, but those were choices on both sides. I'd certainly try working to fix them, but it's only if both parties wish to cooperate that anything can be achieved. I still talk to my high school friends as much as I can, and I talk to my friends from home too. I see my college friends nearly every day and that's what makes college fun I guess- having people there every day, and being able to talk to someone, though they may be hundreds, thousands of miles away, and be able to say you love them and know they love you too. That's what relationships are worth- love, caring for someone, wanting to be with that person for the rest of your life. And friends may fall by the wayside, but if they're your true friend, they'll know you'll always be there for them. You can't always see them or always talk to them, but you'll try when opportunities arise. College is a tough transition but in the end, it'll be worth it right? All the debt and loans? Yeah, I think so. It's an education, the next step towards a career, and marriage, a family, and then eventually dying. But no need to dwell on the ending, it should be a long way off. Sometimes it comes sooner than we think, but we gotta think every day is a new one, and every day won't be the last one. Sure, we can live like every day is our last, it makes the best out of life, but we should pray that it won't ever be our last.

there's blood in the water, sinking, always, sinking

So, I just watched the end of the BCS National Championship game. I'm disappointed to see Alabama win, because for once, probably the only time ever, I was cheering on Texas. I haven't liked Texas since the Vince Young days because of the National Championship they won over USC on a Young touchdown run. It seems to be the iconic symbol of college football nowadays. But, after Colt McCoy, current Texas quarterback got injured on the first offensive drive of the game, my hopes for Texas to win dimmed. Then, this kid, Garret Gilbert comes in and is torn apart, is rushed by the 'Bama defense. He came around though, playing a pretty good second half, but lost a fumble on the Texas 3-yard-line with only 3 minutes remaining and that called an end to the chances of Texas coming back from a three-point deficit.

Now, with the score at 31-21, and only a minute-something remaining on the clock, Alabama ran the ball in for another touchdown. Normally, I'd be fine with this, but seeing how dejected the Longhorn's sidelines looked, the looks on all of the player's faces showing disappointment and defeat, it just showed unsportsmanlike play. When you've got control of a game, and your opponent only has one chance to stop the clock, meaning three kneeldowns would end the game, there is no need to score again. This was further opened when, after intercepting another ball with twenty-something seconds left, Alabama QB Greg McElroy kneeled down in the most slow-motion fashion possible, almost taunting the Texas players to hit him. One defensive-linemen almost obliged but was pushed back by an O-lineman. But in the end, it was a 'Bama win, whether they played unsportsmanlike or not (which they did do), they won. Mark Ingram, their running back became the sixth player to win the Heisman (undeservedly so) and the BCS National Championship in the same season.

To another year of college football, we'll see who comes out on top next year, my hopes are for USC, as is the same every year.

sinking to the bottom of my everything

My titles are gonna be song lyrics. So you've been forewarned. This is from the song "Into the Ocean" by Blue October.

Anyways, I was at the mall with my girlfriend the other day and we were going into stores which I cannot stand. Hollister, American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch... none of which are my style, nor will I buy anything from any of them. They're her style. 

So we were walking around in A&F and I kept seeing their posters on the walls, bare-chested guys and topless girls, their breasts pressed tightly against the guys so you couldn't see anything. Now, my girlfriend made me aware, which I'd also heard prior, that these ads are considered softcore pornography. And I started thinking about it. Why would a clothing store choose to display ads with scantily clad people? If they're trying to sell clothes, shouldn't the models be wearing their clothes? I thought it was a good question. I mean, sure the ads are provocative, so maybe teenagers will shop there because the ads are so sex-driven. They don't display the clothes they're trying to sell though, which seems to go against the point of being a clothing store.

Lately, I've been hard at work on writing songs, completed five over the past month or so. I wanna start a band in the summer with some friends. Hopefully this time it pans out. Style of music is yet to be decided.

School break has been good so far, but it's strange. You pine for break for the longest time, but then when it's about halfway over, you just want it to end. Maybe it's too long. I mean, I love being away from school, but I also miss school. College is different than high school. You get to know the people you live with, the people you have classes with. And then when you get back to school, you miss the friends you have at home. It's a confusing, complex arrangement of I-miss-them, but I'm-gonna-miss-them-too when I leave. 

I'm also working on a few novel ideas. I never know if any will be finished, but that's my goal in life, to write books. So I'm sure some will eventually get written.

Well, it's new year's eve, I'm going to a party tonight with some high-school friends and my girlfriend. My resolution: no soda for 2010. Now, this is gonna be one of the most impossible things for me to hold to considering how often I drink soda. But, it's another goal. With commitment I can succeed...I think.